noshi17

 I have no one to turn to. So i come on here, how pathetic!!!
My parents are such liars! How can i be so stupid and believe them for so long!
Im starting to doubt everything they say.
And i promise to myself that i will treat them like little children as well.
They always seem like they have to hide things from me~
Like fuck im 20 years old what the hell is wrong with these people, they cant come out and tell me flat out that my grandpa just pasted away.
Im at fucken work and my boss knows more about this than I do??? what the fuck is wrong with these people
My mom calls and tells my boss not to tell me anything?? HELLOOOO im the grand daughter!!! 
Crying my fucken eyes out and writing this bull shit...10 min after i find out. im ready to smash my computer into pieces,
i have soo much anger and frustration bottled up inside of me that i can't even explain.
I wanna ruin everything and hurt everything in my path im so mad.
Im not ever telling anything more than a few words to my parents about my life or anything of it.
Im sick of them!!!!
fucken lying to me .... changing stories every time they wanna explain to me about what just happened..
Fuck just tell me! " your grandpa just passed away" what is so hard about that. What lying and faking it is better? That makes me feel good? Makes the world okay? NOO...gets me angry like, Im four years old?!!! 
I think i have the right to kno before my fucken coworkers do!!!!

RIP gramps I LOVE YOU.

I have a little Rant, sry i can't post it behinde don't know how, but if u like read, it would be nice =) and help me out with this off topic problem thnx <3

 I have not done anything recently but try to get my sanity back!
The last couple of weeks have been hell, and thats why i have not posted and i gave up on posting my daily intakes and thinspo on my journal with is a FAIL for me.
Recently my dream came true, my prince charming after 6 years of waiting for him sweept me off my feet and i couldn't be happier.
Little did i know that dreams are not real! and reality and life sucks! my life sucks! my friends can all go die....and im completly alone and stupid for liking and caring for someone so much. 1 years of him not even noticing me SUCKED! 1 year of knowing me and not talking to me SUCKED even more 1 year of getting to know me more and suddenly disappearing was HORRIBLE! 1 year of having him back as good friends then some slutty ass girl taking him away was HELL! 1 year of having my gf date my long time crush and listing to her brag and shit was GAH KILL ME NOW!!...1 year of him leaving the state going cross country to military training was YAY now i can try to forget about you. 7 months of talking to me online telling me u want me even though i had a bf was "shoot me now i want u soo much too"!! 2 weeks wait to break up with my bf, and finally see him 1 week of firting, and making me fall in love with him all over again.. 2 months of "damn i cant get you out of my head or my heart marry me now feeling" (my life sucks ass ---donkey poo)
THEN SUDDENLY DISSAPPEARING on me AGAIN.
- he told me he wants me and i said yes
- he told me beuitiful things and i melted
- he told me i love you in my ear and my heart stopped
      - than the stopped
      - NO more talking
      - NO more hugs or hellos
      - NO more phone calls
- but i still love him, why does this have to hurt so much? y can't i just sit down and forget him all together? i can't do my work or live my life for a second with out thinking about him. Y doesn't he talk to me? Y would he hurt me so much and disrespect me and ignore me?
What the hell did i do wrong? 
- Friends are all stupid, he told my gf that we were DONE, DONE?!?!? what the fuck, when did we start for it to be done? How come i wasn't in formed of it being DONE? am i just a freaken object? Y can't men learn to talk to you and understand that I HAVE FEELING!!! I GOTTA DAMN HEART!! 
And now its broken in to pieces.
- Its stupid to hear that you broke up with ur "boyfriend????"  from one of your Girl Friends.
 
i got my cartilage pierced yesterday for him, old myself that this is the pain he gave me...but hah it didn't hurt enough to even distract me from the pain and hurt hes givin.
I wanna just talk to him and tell him how much respect i had for him, and how much i still care. And tell him how i feel and what hes doing to me! But he wont answer my text and i don't know what to do!!! everytime he sign on AIM i see his name it brings tears to my eyes, I want it to STOP.

WHAT SHOULD I DO??? 
I NEED HELP!!!
=( i need some hard core drugs.

 passover really fucked me up.
My life is fucking me up.
the world is against me.
Im surrounded by horrible people.
im not in a good state of mind right now.
If i had a gun or an instrument of painless death, i'd prob use it right now.
I have not been this bad in a while.
and i been bad, but this is like on the verge.
yea so my fasting is over, and im a complete fuck up.
My 3 ex's are out to kill me and ruin me.
I ate more than i can handle in the last 2 day.
Im fasting for a week, even if it kills me, or i kill myself before its over, which ever comes first. i fucken don't care anymore.
I wanna just rip my eyes out and not see anyone anymore. i really hate everyone, People are horrible, human nature is disgusting. 
I SHOULD JUST STAY IN MY ROOM FOR A VERY LONG TIME. im really gonna hurt myself.
about 2600 cals today
will gain 5 pounds that i lost no doubt.

THINSPO

 Today was a yucky day. And i strongly believe that BOYS ARE STUPID!!!!
I really give up on them.
Special this dude, why is he so blind? Open ur damn eyes and see how hard im trying to make u happy by being there for you, and then you push me away, so not happy about this.

DAY 5
rice=150
ice cream =55
Apple =25
Coffee= 50?
mini clementine = 70? (less i think)
Tea= 0
raisins= 35ish
(total guess on some idk) 
TOTAL 385

THINSPO

It's really mucky and ew outside right now but im still loving it even though im stuck at home.
We will see how today goes tho, its right now 3 in the afternoon, and im feeling content.

DAY 4
Tea
Dried cranberries
A couple of nuts
About 100 cal
Salad and something to much on to show im eating = 150

Total = 250

WEIGH IN DA DA DA.... 111.6 with nothing on, a bit skeptical about the number cuz its mostly water weight still, we shall see next week.

Thinspo for the day ( ego boost, i kinda look better than her)

 So today was not that great but yesterday i was proud of myself...
i had a crazy ass night last night, it was mad, too much drama...too many faces i didn't want to see.
But i kept myself in control,
Tonight tho me and my gf baked cookies... not so good i did eat a lot but as a punishment to myself i can not purge.
So i didn't post yesterday So....

Day 2
Tea
apple
tuna
lettuce
Stayed under 300 cal, and plus i was up all night running around till 7AM, 24 hours with no sleep crazy.

Day 3
Apple
A lot of damn stupid cookies, no soo happy
Total 740, max i hope

POSTING WEIGHT TOMORROW AFTERNOON


Thinspo 

So i kno what my problem is..
i have like problems
and i can't fix them.

i overeat.. and its a disease Yes!
and then i binge and thats a disease Yes!
then i diet...a problem YUP!
which leads to more problems of not eating at all yep!! disease
and then.... problem of purging ...yes a problem!

solution....I HAVE NO FUCKEN CLUE...
im under a load of stress..
and like BLAHHH holy shit..
last night was amazing tho i drank like wayy tooo much ate wayyy too much for my own good
i was 112 now im 116
and i just ate about 700 cals and tons of carb
so spring break is coming up next week planning to seriously fast and write a journal entry every day of what i did what i lost and what i ate.
im hoping to lose around 9 pounds in about 12 days...
i kno a lot of my weight is water weight from alcohol but i hate seeing it on the scale..
so go fuck it!!! so what i eat another 200 cals
and so what if i eat another piece of pie FUCK IT>

i have a problem
a serious one...and i hate it...
i just wanna be normal =(
i wanna cry

I just binged on rice and dried fruit....
i was doing soo well for the last 2 weeks lost a good 7 pounds...now this??? BING
what the F*ck??!??!
will i gain that damn stupid weight from the cals i just ate..
OH im gonna kill myself.

I just ate way too much chocolate and green tea..
i keep puking half way is burning me up...
and my stomach is killing me

I WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
my brain is fried
im just noott nottt good

Im not sure what to do.
im falling in love again with the dude i had a crush on in high school.
he asked me out last night, it was soo cute.
We got dunk like mainacs and ran over the whole city,
AHHH too much calories if freaken voka, wine, scotch eww.
my gosh, well today hasn't been so bad un the count of i have to read 320 pages and memorize it by Thursday.
and im working full time these next few days, so yes im screwed
wonderful
im still stuck at 13.4 pounds 103 come on baby!!!!

Well it was ...but now there is ice in my backyard...
anyone up for ice skating!!!!!

it reminded me of one of the little quotes i read online the other day.

" i wanna be so light and pretty that when i walk on snow i won't leave foot prints"

HAHAH that one was really stupid, i wish some of these site talk about more realistic things.
i have so many on my mind that if i say all...i might explode with typingness or something.
(no im not going crazy)

but yea even birds leave foot prints lol...and the little bug too, well he gets suck cuz its soo cold and freezes..EWWWW

um...my finals are almost over, so high fat/ calorie/ glecouse/ blah/ brain food will not be needed anymore.
=D yay...

I hate it when girls come on and start asking to become PRO ANA
its like fucken asking can you give me a disease that one day will kill me..
That will eat my organs alive and slowly kill me from the inside out.

Can i please have a piece of that slowly deterating liver organ.
With a dash of my hair thats falling out, and my nails that are weakening.
Don't worry about me, my bones are pretty and perfect, if feels like im flying. Im as light as a fucken feather.
OH and don't forget, that when i feel pretty and perfect thats were you bring my new , hand made, italian coffin.
ps. i'd like to be buried by the beach.

GAH.... sometimes its good using your brains.
Pro ana is such a strong word.
.... just say you wanna lose some weight and ill be fine but don't say pro ana..
You can't chose to become anorexic, well you can at first but they you will see that its not you that has that control you being wanting on your body, but this stupid sickness and obsession.



WOW i was having a pretty good day until i read that. GAHHhhh its so stupid

Today is my astronomy final. whoopee .
one test i know im going to fail badly

whatever!!!! i sound like a bitch (cool)
i feel freaken high off of a bread thingy i just had 310 cals.
and i smoked two...what the fuck!!! i quit for like 2 weeks...
argh... i don't want lung cancer.
i got one full box left, i don't wanna throw it out its a waste...
im soo stupid.

my dad dropped me off at school at 8 ....i have to stay in the library and "study" for the test that im going to FAIL all day..then at 4 i get my lazy fat ass up to the class...walk across the whole campus, like 2 miles and freeze...and maybe die (COOOLLL)

oh i need another smoke...
nope im in the library...being a good girl..
i should shut up and go.

For now i have finals and im not going to stress myself about anything but school. but the fact is that i am going to stress..about every little thing.

so next thursday? or wed?
yea? right?
YESSS duh

im goin to go crazy

well ladies things have been really strange lately....my boy friend complained for being too thin and he told me he was going to break up with me if i didn't do somthing...so we worked together and i became healthy for 2 months now...but i hate it...i got the curves back the fucken curves i never wanted...all the fat and flab...  and now my new computer is all fucked up and im soo pissed...well going off topic now. i have missed soo much on here, i promised him i would not visit this site anymore...and that i would gain all the 15 pounds back...well helped me gain it back, but i can't stand it i want to be me again. is funny i lost the drive and motivation, i need help to get it back, help me plz like im really in deep trouble im back to 115...i want to go back i dont' care what he says i hate being like this, yes it was good for a while i ate whatever junk i wanted but now its all shit.

PLEASE LADIES help me...where is my motivation, how come i can't do it? what should i do? ahhh i hate my bf right now for doing this to me, he should of loved me the way i was, and not changed me 
oh and college life sucks fucken donkey balls

i always do this to myself.
set goal and never accomplish them fully.
im so ...EWWWWWW...i can't even look at myself
i disappoint myself left and right

pure fat lard of shit!
disgusting!

i feel sick to my bones.
im hurt, very hurt.
tell u the truth, i never new that your best friends can be the biggest back stabber.
they are the best ones, the ones who uses u and abuses u.
yes, best friends! im never gonna trust any of them.
THEY MAKE ME SICK.

it my other entries i talked about how i like this boy.
and how this girl is trying to take him.
well her fucken mission is accomplish.
hope she fucken rots in hell..
gah!!!

first my friends fucken backstabbers kick me out of the limo b.c we are not "really friends after 5 fucken years".....like who says that.
i mean, what heart they have to even think that.
you would think that yea the people that you spend time with and the ones that you hang out with for five years are your friends...well i guessed wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back to the boy thing....well she finally took him.
today, my fucken luck.
the day that i wanted to ask him to prom.
i think im gonna tell him how i feel tho.
what do u think? (to whom ever is reading this)

idk...im lost.
and broken
very broken
i want friends
i want my friends back.
i want me back


gah....sry for cuzin so much <33

depression hit in....lost a good 9 pounds..prob water weight still =(
binged on fudge ice cream last night, didn't hurt me tho. w/e

i want this pain to stop.
gah, im never happy, i want and need help.


AND IF I MAKE NO SENSE WHAT SO EVER SRRRRYYY

yea...well im keep going back and forth.

FUCK ME!! Gah...

back at 119 or 118....bang bang bang

just had 2 slices of pizza

and like 6 cookies

2 cups of ice cream



( random pics from the other night.....im really trying, damn those cookies )