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The beginning of a new chapter

Jul. 12th, 2013 | 01:03 am

My beginning.
What have i done to myself? I have let go of my morals what i haven been taught all these years growing up. I have respect for yourself. To hold yourself up high and have value for your mind and body. I have no more boundaries that keep me in check. they have all been broken and it pieces buried deep into the earth. I've weakened my wall and let myself go, let go but not Free. For as long as i can remember one thing was important to me when having arelationship, Never let yourself go...protect yourself as much as you can. I've learned throughout my last few relationships never to up something on the line when you think you might want it back... when you know your are going to regret doing it in the first place. I've learned that when i get too close to someone... when i know its going to get into a dangerous place to walk away. To turn my head and Run the other way.. But this time i was stupid. I didn't stop myself i let it go even though i knew it was not right and sadly i don't know what i was thinking. What could possibly go through my mind and for a minute for one stupid second i thought what i was doing was right. I want it back i want to take it all back. I need a big whiteout that can be used for life. But now i can't, what's done is done. My soul my body has been used. I can never get it back.
So what do i do from here?
I can't stop thinking about it. How dirty and useless i feel. I've let down not only myself and my being... but also my family, my spirit.
Sadly, i wish there was a way to apologize yourself apologize to your body... to make it all better. But even if i tell myself a million times its OKAY.. i know it will never be. That stupid conscious of mine knows what i did and talks loud and clear all day everyday. Knows what i did was wrong, morally wrong.. spiritually wrong. I have made a mistake and i can't fix it. I can never fix it. I can never forget about it. And Im so sorry about it.
How can i even begin to explain to someone how it feels. How dirty and disgusting i feel.


i feel like im alone in this.
I have no one to talk to no one to tell my secrets to my feels my deep dark feeling. Feels that i can't even admit to myself feelings i've suppressed for so long.
Im scared now.
Im scared for my life.
I know this is going to hurt me forever. And I can tell nobody about it.

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(no subject)

Nov. 15th, 2011 | 06:06 pm

Today is my 22nd birthday.
Im sitting in my college library crying.
Why?!? im not sure, maybe cuz im a failure!
                               maybe cuz im good for nothing.
Im crying over my research paper
Im crying over my grades 
Im crying over how someone hurt me  a  few weeks ago and im still in pain
Im crying over how I can't protect myself
Im crying cuz i got my shield broken and now im just fallin into pieces
Im crying over how Im a fool
Im crying over how lonely I feel right now
Im crying over my pathetic life filled with just material good to distract me from my emptiness
Im crying over how my friends are just a dark silhouette in the distance
Im crying cuz im 22 and I feel like my life is stuck in one place.

Plz someone tell me why I must feel this way and why must i hurt so much

I walk through college as a soul thats suck in limbo and can't go up. 

This is how i spent my day today. Its just so wonderful!

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(no subject)

Mar. 23rd, 2011 | 05:10 pm

I JUST WANT TO BE FIXED. 

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(no subject)

Mar. 16th, 2011 | 04:19 pm

  I want to punch my room mate in the face right now.
Im sitting on my bed listening to her and I want to cry and really hurt her.

She taking this class on eating disorders and now she's talking to her bf about it.
ugh talking soo much shit about people with ED.
"how fucked up do you have to be to get to that point...girls are so stupid...its just food....im so happy im not fucked up mentally like they are"
I just wanna cry.

im just really upset about this..i should walk out of my room but ugh.
I wanna shake her and tell her its not something we wake up with one day.
its not a choice
Its not something we can just shake off
this problem or situation of ours becomes our life...in a way its our identity.

=( i can't take this.
Hope all u girls are doing well.

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(no subject)

Feb. 25th, 2011 | 05:56 pm

  I haven't binged in a while.
I been pretty good..
I don't have a scale at school which bothers me a lot. Yet there is nothing I can do.


I get harassed by my ex bf every day now for 3 months ...we have days where hes nice. But most of his days hes busy thing to piss me off and pushing me to the limits of using DIRTY words!!
I can't even being describing how he makes me feel. Lower than dirty if thats even possible
Im 21 my world should be stress free fun and lovely.
I don't need someone pushing me down every-time i wanna rise up

His words " you need to grow up and take responsibly" ( which i do again im 21 im not a bum on the streets i work i have an amazing supportive family i go to school and im a med student"
" don t be such a fckin wiener, grow a fcking bone and don't worry mammy and daddy will have plans"
" its not my fault ur a fckin idot... go fnckin treat someone else like shit. Fck you.
" your 21 get ur shit together u slut"

Okay so first im 21 im not a slut.. im a virgin so i don't know what the hell hes talking about.
Second i don't smoke weed for 3 months now. I haven't touched alcohol in 3 weeks.
I spend every moment of my day in my room studying my ass off.
I went to a doctor for my lack of concentration and depression.
ALL HES DOING IS MAKING ME WORSE.

and this is coming form a "man" (low life fnckin jerk) who's 23 and things hes the shit...apparently he loved me at some point. we went out for over 10 months and this is how i get treated.

I told him to fck off and he just wont stop calling or texting me.
my phone has not stopped vibrating and ringing for the last hour.
I don't know what to do at this point.
I feel like crap. =(

I need to find a good man in my life.

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(no subject)

Feb. 15th, 2011 | 02:57 pm

Im Sitting In My Room.. I just felt like sharing this. =D
My Room becomes so comfy at times except for when my roommate bring in nasty food.
This girl... oh gosh i don't even know how to say this but she eats like a fucken mannn.
I just want to blog about what she eats lol
Morning: Chips and onion dip.
Ice tea 250 cals
Lunch : 2 slices of sausage pizza thick crust. each 740 Cals
Ice tea about 250 cals
Turkey burger with bacon mayo and HOly fucken cow shes eating it now and its just
making me wanna puke. EWWWw.
and she has a bag of white cheddar popcorn.. and ranch chips in front of her.
HEHE im watching her eat, so disturbing.

Oh and this girl is like 4ft 11. Yea i don't know what to say. Shes a freshman im just wondering what will happen after living 4 years on campus. HAHAH scary.
Anyways campus food sucks she will learn her lesson when she goes home and sees that she gained like 30 pounds since the beginning of the year.

My life currently is okay.
I'll write about it sometime soon.

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(no subject)

Dec. 24th, 2010 | 08:52 pm

Im a fat blob.
Im a nobody.
Im a sick girl.
Im a fucking loser.
Im a sad fuck.
Im a poor soul.
Im a fat ass.
Im a piece of shit.
Im a low life sucker.
Im a romance believer.
Im a crummy ass daughter
Im a drug user.
Im a drug abuser.
Im a bad friend.
Im a horrible lover.
Im a waste of space.
Im a lier.
Im a horrible person.
Im a FAT pig.
Im a FAT ugly person.
Im a FAT ugly girl.
IM a SAD girl.
IM a SAD SAD girl.

I just wanna die at this point. Fucking internet.
My life is going no where.
Im going to be a nobody.
FUCK MY LIFE.
I fail at school.
I fail at life.
I fail at love.
So please tell me what else is left to live for?
What else is there to life?

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Seriously

Dec. 24th, 2010 | 08:45 pm

Seriously Fuck My Life Into A Million Pieces.

To see what I've become scares me.
To see what I've done disappoints me.
To be what I dream of, will always stay a dream.
But to be what he wants me to be, I can't never be.

I dream every night and wake up crying. To a life that he made me.
To what I am today standing on the street seeing out but never in.
What I believe is always negative always gloomy.
For once I want to believe in good and want to see the positive.
He is the only one that can help me now, for I've given up on myself and my life.
Fuck it into a million pieces.

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(no subject)

Sep. 28th, 2010 | 11:13 am

To my dear Soul.
I have punished you and made you weak.
How could I have let someone in.
To my dear Soul.
Im terribly sorry for your grief.
But please believe me when I say, that my heart cannot take it anymore.

------------ =(

Last night I was hurt. My hollow body filled with anger more than you can imagine.
The person I once loved broke me down. His words ate me up and spit me out into the wet dirt.
I have nothing to say or nothing to be ashamed of. Except How could I have been so stupid to let him in.

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(no subject)

Sep. 27th, 2010 | 03:39 pm

I haven't posted in months. I have been trying to get my life on track. But now decided that i like it better off track.I like being crazy and unpredictable with my emotions.
- I drove my bf crazy the last few months. I hated eating with him. But because i was such a fucken great gf i stopped my bp and my "no eating" days.
- I gained about 10 pounds lets say. My stomach is sticking out so much that i can't even see my hip bones anymore. It makes me cry every time im in the shower.

ON a brighter note!!! I dumped my bf on monday after he was an ass for the billionth time, in the school library before my chem exam =) im such a bitch.

Im ready for my old ways.!
Stats as of today. ( i don't owe a scale at school so im not sure exactly im gonna high ball it haha.)
Height: 5'6
CW: 123
Lw: 110 (6 or 7 months ago ugh stupid x-bf)
Gw: 115 for next week.
long term goal weight: 103

Its gonna be my 21st b-day in a little bit over a month from now.
I wanna as beautiful as the day before i met my x. lmfao I hate him.

Have a lovely day <3's

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