noshi17

noshi17 @ 2009-11-02T18:22:00

2009-11-02T23:28:34Z

Sometime i love my body just sometimes...just like .02% of the time i guess.
Last week i ate like 4 slices of pizza hut pizza a day...and a tone of junk..i calculated it and it was about 2300 cals a day or something..
Well...ask me Y i love my body just SOMETIMES.. I LOST WEIGHT =) .6 pounds how the fuck is that possible i don't know.

But im going back to eating roughly around 500 cal a day until my birthday in 13 days...ahh i want 110 so badly
but my main goal is 103 oh i just wish!

noshi17 @ 2009-10-26T19:41:00

2009-10-26T23:45:08Z

WOw...im pretty disappointed in myself.
I set myself up.. i took out my family to eat out last night.
I ate like the "normal" me
lmfao
im going to the doctor soon, my stomach is not working like food is not digesting which is making it hard for me to breathe, weird =(
IT REALLY HURTS so my mom is making me drink tea with sugar
my total intake for today was 1898 i posted on my daily plate =) which is gonna make me go up 2 pounds no doubt.
I FINALLY GOT Batteries for my SCALE WOOOO...
anyways tomorrow is a new day. AND i want my STOMACH FIXED!! HURTS =(

Tyra Banks?!?! Pregorexic? WTF

2009-10-21T23:07:30Z

Well Today Was an Interesting Day.

I saw my ex bf after a very very long time and he lost so much weight and i looked like shit cuz I was up all night studying for my midterms so who cared what i looked like in school.

WELLL i should of paid more attention... i saw him and we talked in an awkward conversation, he’s an asshole like always. I told my mom and she said that he acted like that cuz he still loves me and has feelings.

WHATEVER

THE MAIN POINT:

I was watching Tyra Banks and there was this woman who was Pregorexic ( in lame terms a "anorexic" pregnant woman). I was soo upset after watching that. I was ready to jump into the T.V and knock her teeth out. What an Idiot!!

I could careless about the woman because ultimately you have a choice on how you act in the world and how you nourish yourself.

BUT>>>>> that poor innocent child doesn't He/SHe will be born malnourished and with deformities. I was crying in the end.

SO my question to you is....What would you do if you were pregnant and had anorexia or anorexic tendencies, Would you be selfish and protect yourself from gaining weight or Protect Your CHILD?!?!

Tell me what you think.

I made brownies today and had a little.

Not a big deal not killing myself over it.

My mom made pasta with "chicken" meat balls or whatever AUGH .

My Depression = Me not thinking correctly

2009-10-18T17:19:32Z

the last month and a half i been eating alright ....0-600 cal a day around there
I lost a total of 10 pounds before my sale decided to run out of batteries and my mom is like "good" GRAHHH
My Diet of the last 2 days is a bag of butter popcorn feeds about 7 people each 4 cups per serving 140 cal..yea imagin
a bowl of pasta and cheese yepp horrific.
and 3 big slices of pizza..thats for lunch dinner and todays meal
oh and 3 bars of 200 cal chocolate HAHAH
I WONDER WHERE MY WEIGHT IS GONNA HIT NOW 3 pounds up 6 pounds up or 2439475934 pounds up. =) wonderful

So i pretty happy with where my weight was going until i found out i can't weight myself ..so not im discouraged and it sucks donkey balls.
AND i have so much school work that im not even thinking about what im stuffing into my mouth= my LArdy ass is just getting LArdier!!! LMFAO..w.e tomorrow is a new day and my normal eating is going back on..a handful of cereal and water tea and a few pieces of grapes.

Oh to add on to my stress i just recently unintentionally quit my job. WONDERFUL FUCKEN WONDERFUL

I want to fit into my size 25-26 jeans

R.I.P Grandpa 7-2-09

2009-07-02T18:59:37Z

I have no one to turn to. So i come on here, how pathetic!!!
My parents are such liars! How can i be so stupid and believe them for so long!
Im starting to doubt everything they say.
And i promise to myself that i will treat them like little children as well.
They always seem like they have to hide things from me~
Like fuck im 20 years old what the hell is wrong with these people, they cant come out and tell me flat out that my grandpa just pasted away.
Im at fucken work and my boss knows more about this than I do??? what the fuck is wrong with these people
My mom calls and tells my boss not to tell me anything?? HELLOOOO im the grand daughter!!!
Crying my fucken eyes out and writing this bull shit...10 min after i find out. im ready to smash my computer into pieces,
i have soo much anger and frustration bottled up inside of me that i can't even explain.
I wanna ruin everything and hurt everything in my path im so mad.
Im not ever telling anything more than a few words to my parents about my life or anything of it.
Im sick of them!!!!
fucken lying to me .... changing stories every time they wanna explain to me about what just happened..
Fuck just tell me! " your grandpa just passed away" what is so hard about that. What lying and faking it is better? That makes me feel good? Makes the world okay? NOO...gets me angry like, Im four years old?!!!
I think i have the right to kno before my fucken coworkers do!!!!

RIP gramps I LOVE YOU.

noshi17 @ 2009-05-04T16:02:00

2009-05-04T20:02:29Z

I have a little Rant, sry i can't post it behinde don't know how, but if u like read, it would be nice =) and help me out with this off topic problem thnx <3

I have not done anything recently but try to get my sanity back!
The last couple of weeks have been hell, and thats why i have not posted and i gave up on posting my daily intakes and thinspo on my journal with is a FAIL for me.
Recently my dream came true, my prince charming after 6 years of waiting for him sweept me off my feet and i couldn't be happier.
Little did i know that dreams are not real! and reality and life sucks! my life sucks! my friends can all go die....and im completly alone and stupid for liking and caring for someone so much. 1 years of him not even noticing me SUCKED! 1 year of knowing me and not talking to me SUCKED even more 1 year of getting to know me more and suddenly disappearing was HORRIBLE! 1 year of having him back as good friends then some slutty ass girl taking him away was HELL! 1 year of having my gf date my long time crush and listing to her brag and shit was GAH KILL ME NOW!!...1 year of him leaving the state going cross country to military training was YAY now i can try to forget about you. 7 months of talking to me online telling me u want me even though i had a bf was "shoot me now i want u soo much too"!! 2 weeks wait to break up with my bf, and finally see him 1 week of firting, and making me fall in love with him all over again.. 2 months of "damn i cant get you out of my head or my heart marry me now feeling" (my life sucks ass ---donkey poo)
THEN SUDDENLY DISSAPPEARING on me AGAIN.
- he told me he wants me and i said yes
- he told me beuitiful things and i melted
- he told me i love you in my ear and my heart stopped
   - than the stopped
   - NO more talking
   - NO more hugs or hellos
   - NO more phone calls
- but i still love him, why does this have to hurt so much? y can't i just sit down and forget him all together? i can't do my work or live my life for a second with out thinking about him. Y doesn't he talk to me? Y would he hurt me so much and disrespect me and ignore me?
What the hell did i do wrong?
- Friends are all stupid, he told my gf that we were DONE, DONE?!?!? what the fuck, when did we start for it to be done? How come i wasn't in formed of it being DONE? am i just a freaken object? Y can't men learn to talk to you and understand that I HAVE FEELING!!! I GOTTA DAMN HEART!!
And now its broken in to pieces.
- Its stupid to hear that you broke up with ur "boyfriend????" from one of your Girl Friends.

i got my cartilage pierced yesterday for him, old myself that this is the pain he gave me...but hah it didn't hurt enough to even distract me from the pain and hurt hes givin.
I wanna just talk to him and tell him how much respect i had for him, and how much i still care. And tell him how i feel and what hes doing to me! But he wont answer my text and i don't know what to do!!! everytime he sign on AIM i see his name it brings tears to my eyes, I want it to STOP.

WHAT SHOULD I DO???
I NEED HELP!!!
=( i need some hard core drugs.

noshi17 @ 2009-04-10T03:05:00

2009-04-10T07:14:33Z

passover really fucked me up.
My life is fucking me up.
the world is against me.
Im surrounded by horrible people.
im not in a good state of mind right now.
If i had a gun or an instrument of painless death, i'd prob use it right now.
I have not been this bad in a while.
and i been bad, but this is like on the verge.
yea so my fasting is over, and im a complete fuck up.
My 3 ex's are out to kill me and ruin me.
I ate more than i can handle in the last 2 day.
Im fasting for a week, even if it kills me, or i kill myself before its over, which ever comes first. i fucken don't care anymore.
I wanna just rip my eyes out and not see anyone anymore. i really hate everyone, People are horrible, human nature is disgusting.
I SHOULD JUST STAY IN MY ROOM FOR A VERY LONG TIME. im really gonna hurt myself.
about 2600 cals today
will gain 5 pounds that i lost no doubt.

THINSPO

noshi17 @ 2009-04-08T02:16:00

2009-04-08T06:23:15Z

Today was a yucky day. And i strongly believe that BOYS ARE STUPID!!!!
I really give up on them.
Special this dude, why is he so blind? Open ur damn eyes and see how hard im trying to make u happy by being there for you, and then you push me away, so not happy about this.

DAY 5
rice=150
ice cream =55
Apple =25
Coffee= 50?
mini clementine = 70? (less i think)
Tea= 0
raisins= 35ish
(total guess on some idk)
TOTAL 385

THINSPO

noshi17 @ 2009-04-06T15:04:00

2009-04-06T19:09:36Z

It's really mucky and ew outside right now but im still loving it even though im stuck at home.
We will see how today goes tho, its right now 3 in the afternoon, and im feeling content.

DAY 4
Tea
Dried cranberries
A couple of nuts
About 100 cal
Salad and something to much on to show im eating = 150

Total = 250

WEIGH IN DA DA DA.... 111.6 with nothing on, a bit skeptical about the number cuz its mostly water weight still, we shall see next week.

Thinspo for the day ( ego boost, i kinda look better than her)

noshi17 @ 2009-04-05T23:54:00

2009-04-06T04:01:23Z

So today was not that great but yesterday i was proud of myself...
i had a crazy ass night last night, it was mad, too much drama...too many faces i didn't want to see.
But i kept myself in control,
Tonight tho me and my gf baked cookies... not so good i did eat a lot but as a punishment to myself i can not purge.
So i didn't post yesterday So....

Day 2
Tea
apple
tuna
lettuce
Stayed under 300 cal, and plus i was up all night running around till 7AM, 24 hours with no sleep crazy.

Day 3
Apple
A lot of damn stupid cookies, no soo happy
Total 740, max i hope

POSTING WEIGHT TOMORROW AFTERNOON

Thinspo

noshi17 @ 2009-04-03T19:43:00

2009-04-03T23:55:47Z

Im majorly depressed right now, i wanted to be like a normal person and only eat 3 square meals a day healthy ones and an little sack mid day cuz i wanted to be NORMAL. But yep didn't work out i ended up gaining baldy which is strange cuz i have never been high in a long ass time, this really sucks right now.
So i made a promise to myself, im never going this high again just from 3 days of eating shit! this is BULL.
Right now im at 118.2 with about 4 cups of water in me still.
Im keeping it under 500 cals for a month and there is no exception!!!! no more stupid eating for a month~
i will only and ONLY to 800 =( special occasions like a birthday or something, and even then i will not let it go to 800 (Cross fingers)
I WILL BE BEAUTIFUL and were I WANNA BE!!! DAMN IT
~ im gonna try to fit at least 3 days of working out in a week... and i would like to go for walks in the mornings for about 30 min - 1 hour.

DAY ONE

Lots of tea and water = 0
Soup (mom made)= 150ish
Grapes = 25
Cereal= less then 50
2 thin slices of apple= 25
Finish off with dinner salad and maybe a little chicken = 150 ish
Total = 400

PICTURE OF THE DAY

noshi17 @ 2009-03-29T15:17:00

2009-03-29T19:28:28Z

So i kno what my problem is..
i have like problems
and i can't fix them.

i overeat.. and its a disease Yes!
and then i binge and thats a disease Yes!
then i diet...a problem YUP!
which leads to more problems of not eating at all yep!! disease
and then.... problem of purging ...yes a problem!

solution....I HAVE NO FUCKEN CLUE...
im under a load of stress..
and like BLAHHH holy shit..
last night was amazing tho i drank like wayy tooo much ate wayyy too much for my own good
i was 112 now im 116
and i just ate about 700 cals and tons of carb
so spring break is coming up next week planning to seriously fast and write a journal entry every day of what i did what i lost and what i ate.
im hoping to lose around 9 pounds in about 12 days...
i kno a lot of my weight is water weight from alcohol but i hate seeing it on the scale..
so go fuck it!!! so what i eat another 200 cals
and so what if i eat another piece of pie FUCK IT>

i have a problem
a serious one...and i hate it...
i just wanna be normal =(
i wanna cry

noshi17 @ 2009-03-03T21:43:00

2009-03-04T02:44:23Z

I just binged on rice and dried fruit....
i was doing soo well for the last 2 weeks lost a good 7 pounds...now this??? BING
what the F*ck??!??!
will i gain that damn stupid weight from the cals i just ate..
OH im gonna kill myself.

noshi17 @ 2009-02-24T22:38:00

2009-02-25T03:39:35Z

I just ate way too much chocolate and green tea..
i keep puking half way is burning me up...
and my stomach is killing me

I WANT TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
my brain is fried
im just noott nottt good

Im So close to killing myself, Yet somethings are going to well.

2009-02-21T18:58:12Z

Im not sure what to do.
im falling in love again with the dude i had a crush on in high school.
he asked me out last night, it was soo cute.
We got dunk like mainacs and ran over the whole city,
AHHH too much calories if freaken voka, wine, scotch eww.
my gosh, well today hasn't been so bad un the count of i have to read 320 pages and memorize it by Thursday.
and im working full time these next few days, so yes im screwed
wonderful
im still stuck at 13.4 pounds 103 come on baby!!!!

It's SNOWING

2007-12-18T14:13:29Z

Well it was ...but now there is ice in my backyard...
anyone up for ice skating!!!!!

it reminded me of one of the little quotes i read online the other day.

" i wanna be so light and pretty that when i walk on snow i won't leave foot prints"

HAHAH that one was really stupid, i wish some of these site talk about more realistic things.
i have so many on my mind that if i say all...i might explode with typingness or something.
(no im not going crazy)

but yea even birds leave foot prints lol...and the little bug too, well he gets suck cuz its soo cold and freezes..EWWWW

um...my finals are almost over, so high fat/ calorie/ glecouse/ blah/ brain food will not be needed anymore.
=D yay...

Fuck Pro Ana

2007-12-18T14:08:25Z

I hate it when girls come on and start asking to become PRO ANA
its like fucken asking can you give me a disease that one day will kill me..
That will eat my organs alive and slowly kill me from the inside out.

Can i please have a piece of that slowly deterating liver organ.
With a dash of my hair thats falling out, and my nails that are weakening.
Don't worry about me, my bones are pretty and perfect, if feels like im flying. Im as light as a fucken feather.
OH and don't forget, that when i feel pretty and perfect thats were you bring my new , hand made, italian coffin.
ps. i'd like to be buried by the beach.

GAH.... sometimes its good using your brains.
Pro ana is such a strong word.
.... just say you wanna lose some weight and ill be fine but don't say pro ana..
You can't chose to become anorexic, well you can at first but they you will see that its not you that has that control you being wanting on your body, but this stupid sickness and obsession.

WOW i was having a pretty good day until i read that. GAHHhhh its so stupid

what the hell smoking?

2007-12-17T14:18:31Z

Today is my astronomy final. whoopee .
one test i know im going to fail badly

whatever!!!! i sound like a bitch (cool)
i feel freaken high off of a bread thingy i just had 310 cals.
and i smoked two...what the fuck!!! i quit for like 2 weeks...
argh... i don't want lung cancer.
i got one full box left, i don't wanna throw it out its a waste...
im soo stupid.

my dad dropped me off at school at 8 ....i have to stay in the library and "study" for the test that im going to FAIL all day..then at 4 i get my lazy fat ass up to the class...walk across the whole campus, like 2 miles and freeze...and maybe die (COOOLLL)

oh i need another smoke...
nope im in the library...being a good girl..
i should shut up and go.

Okay this is when im going to start.

2007-12-15T03:36:03Z

For now i have finals and im not going to stress myself about anything but school. but the fact is that i am going to stress..about every little thing.

so next thursday? or wed?
yea? right?
YESSS duh

im goin to go crazy

too thin.....( i need help)

2007-10-03T00:41:33Z

well ladies things have been really strange lately....my boy friend complained for being too thin and he told me he was going to break up with me if i didn't do somthing...so we worked together and i became healthy for 2 months now...but i hate it...i got the curves back the fucken curves i never wanted...all the fat and flab... and now my new computer is all fucked up and im soo pissed...well going off topic now. i have missed soo much on here, i promised him i would not visit this site anymore...and that i would gain all the 15 pounds back...well helped me gain it back, but i can't stand it i want to be me again. is funny i lost the drive and motivation, i need help to get it back, help me plz like im really in deep trouble im back to 115...i want to go back i dont' care what he says i hate being like this, yes it was good for a while i ate whatever junk i wanted but now its all shit.

PLEASE LADIES help me...where is my motivation, how come i can't do it? what should i do? ahhh i hate my bf right now for doing this to me, he should of loved me the way i was, and not changed me
oh and college life sucks fucken donkey balls

noshi17 @ 2007-06-18T12:33:00

2007-06-18T16:40:33Z

i haven't posted or looked on live journal in a while.
and i been doing good.
and plus i found a boy friend?????
well last night we talked and we both agreeded that we would keep our seeing each other on the down low.
we would not share it with our friends or family.
but then he went on saying "of course...we are friends"
OMFG...friends..that set me off i didn't yell at him but i didn't understand him either.
YOU MEAN U MAKE OUT WITH UR FRIENDS..AND TELL THEM HOW MUCH U LOVE THEM. MAKE THEM FEEL IMPORTAND, ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE, CALL THEM EVERY NIGHT JUST TO ASK THEM HOW THEY ARE AND STILL.....WE ARE JUST FUCKEN FRIENDS??/?????

MY POINT IS, IS THIS WHAT HE DOES WITH EVER "GIRL FRIEND' HE HAS??????
OR IS THIS A MISUNDERSTANDING

GAH I NEED HELP

AND AS SOON AS HE SAID THAT I FUCKEN TURNED TO FOOD.....AND SWEETS I DON'T CARE MUCH ABOUT THE EATING BUT REALLY, DO GUYS DO THAT HOOK UP WITH A GIRL FOR DAYS THEN SAY WE ARE FRIENDS

I KNOW I HAVE TO TALK TO HIM TO STRAIGHTIN THINGS OUT.

BUT THE THING IS THAT HE KNEW I WAS NEVER WITH A GUY AND THAT HE WAS MY FIRST KISS AND SHIT...SOUNDS STUPID BUT I WANTED MY FIRST TO MEAN SOMETHING TO ME......AND NOT JUST MAKING OUT WITH A FRIEND.

IF ANYONE IS READING THIS ADIVE WOULD HELP.
THNX <3

noshi17 @ 2007-05-01T22:34:00

2007-05-02T02:36:13Z

i always do this to myself.
set goal and never accomplish them fully.
im so ...EWWWWWW...i can't even look at myself
i disappoint myself left and right

pure fat lard of shit!
disgusting!

i found out the meaning to be broken in more ways then one.

2007-04-27T23:20:48Z

i feel sick to my bones.
im hurt, very hurt.
tell u the truth, i never new that your best friends can be the biggest back stabber.
they are the best ones, the ones who uses u and abuses u.
yes, best friends! im never gonna trust any of them.
THEY MAKE ME SICK.

it my other entries i talked about how i like this boy.
and how this girl is trying to take him.
well her fucken mission is accomplish.
hope she fucken rots in hell..
gah!!!

first my friends fucken backstabbers kick me out of the limo b.c we are not "really friends after 5 fucken years".....like who says that.
i mean, what heart they have to even think that.
you would think that yea the people that you spend time with and the ones that you hang out with for five years are your friends...well i guessed wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back to the boy thing....well she finally took him.
today, my fucken luck.
the day that i wanted to ask him to prom.
i think im gonna tell him how i feel tho.
what do u think? (to whom ever is reading this)

idk...im lost.
and broken
very broken
i want friends
i want my friends back.
i want me back

gah....sry for cuzin so much <33

depression hit in....lost a good 9 pounds..prob water weight still =(
binged on fudge ice cream last night, didn't hurt me tho. w/e

i want this pain to stop.
gah, im never happy, i want and need help.

AND IF I MAKE NO SENSE WHAT SO EVER SRRRRYYY

noshi17 @ 2007-04-22T20:45:00

2007-04-23T00:53:50Z

yea...well im keep going back and forth.

FUCK ME!! Gah...

back at 119 or 118....bang bang bang

just had 2 slices of pizza

and like 6 cookies

2 cups of ice cream

i need a bullet and some pain killers

2007-04-19T00:00:11Z

im not myself today.
i been crying out of control, not loud but out of no where tears are just falling.
im sick of this shit.
Im suppose to be happy i got accepted to one of my "fav" colleges, well i have to go there even if i don't like it. Don't really have a choice.( my parents)..gah so whatever.
How come my stomach is bloated...i didn't really eat anything but i feel so big and full. My weight keeps going up and down which i really don't like.
then im taking this acne medication shit that getting my nerves all fucked up not couting my bones and joints hurt like hell.
my mom keeps telling me that my diet is not safe im not eating enough protine. but i just cooked chicken and mixed it with some salad. and i ate 2 cupcakes and some up.
why do i feel so depressed.
im losing my life..no wait i have no life.
im losing myself and "him" gah
i just wanna be happy.

i want to tell someone about my liitle thing.
i want help at the same time i just wanna be left alone
i don't know what i want any more
my life sucks
and like g-d come on what more do u want from me!!!
im a fucken senior i got 30 days of school left and my life is fucken screwing up out of no where.

WHY THE HELL AM I CRYING!!!!!