Friends

So today was another failure. Woke up like 1.2kg heavier than the day before. Hoping most of that was water weight and stuff, and I think so as I'm pretty much at the same weight now (7.20pm) wearing clothes and despite binge eating.

I don't really know what to do. The last two days I've been trying to eat properly. It's not really working too well. Been utterly depressed today. I mean yeah i have disordered eating, but I want to get out before it's too late... I just don't know if I've past that point already.

Today was weird. Tried doing the healthy eating thing. Ended up purging an apple. WTF. And then a few hours later binged on chocolate and didn't purge that. Logic, where for art thou?

Today has been one of the shittiest days I can remember having in a LONG time. I was doing so well! I had gotten to one of my STG of 129 and then today... I don't even know what the fuck happened. I ate some sushi this morning (330 cals :/) But I wasn't planning on eating the rest of the day. Then my older brother wanted to get me, my other older brother and a friend of ours together to watch the Saints game at WoW (a wings place where I live... not sure if it's a national chain or what). I took some Xanax and a Dexatrim so I was all set and happy because I knew I wouldn't feel hungry and when we get there they're all looking at the menus and making small talk. I'm like, "It's all good, nobody's really going to notice or care if I don't eat anything because they don't know about my eating issues." So I order a water and they order appetizers, which I didn't touch. Then she comes back to take our order and by this time the game had started on the TV (which I had thought would be a more than decent distraction from me). I told her that I wasn't eating and my oldest brother (who, again, doesn't know) shot me this dead-on glance and was like, "Yes you are." So I order like... some chicken strips or shit, eat like half of them, and made atleast five or six trips to the bathroom over the course of the football game (which they were all super in to so they didn't really notice) to puke it all up, pretty successfully I might add. So just now for some fucking reason I went binge shopping at freaking Walmart and decided to binge, and now that I've just finished that, I'm going to puke it up all up (for the second fucking time today) and go run 3 miles in the freezing cold at almost 3am. I feel so out of control. I need to fast or something. God I'm so out of it :/ I hope everybody else is doing okay.

sorry for post whoring.

watch this! AMAZING!

This girl used to be the heaviest child in the world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNATWsVVwgo&feature=related

Morning Weight: 99.2 lbs.
Night Weight: 98.6
( Intake )( Read more... )
Exercise:
25 minutes of walking--65 calories

I'd planned on doing more exercise...but I'm just feeling so damn tired. It just hurts to move. I didn't eat yesterday, I haven't eaten today, and I'm probably not going to eat tomorrow. I go to get my braces started, perfect excuse. I'm excited that Thanksgiving didn't do too much damage. I weighed around 98 before I left, so I'm back around there. Hopefully smaller numbers tomorrow morning, wanna reach 90 by Christmas.

Ugh, I'm so tired, and just generally feel like shit. Gonna go climb as far underneath my electric blanket as I can get, turn it on high and forget who I am for the night...

I saw this special on TLC called 650lb virgin (or something like that). The guy who weighs 650lbs was describing his diet... he basically starves all day and binges at night.
THAT'S WHAT I DO! I didn't realize how horrible it was! I mean, he got to that weight by STARVING all day! ahhh

I feel like crying.
I know there's something wrong.
I don't know what's wrong.
I want to be thin.
I don't want to feel this fullness, this bulge in my stomach.
I want to slice open my flesh.
I want to slice open my flesh and carve out all the cells of fat.
I want to burn my arm again, not an accident this time around.
I want to learn how to put into words the swirling, bubbling, stewing pot that is encased in my skull.
I want to never eat again, and only live off liquids.
I want to go back to where everything was a mess and I was so close to the edge, just so I'm a little distracted at how pitiful I am.
This self.
This body.
I feel fake.
I want to nibble on pills that can make me feel better.
I want to be marya.
I don't want to be marya.
I want to have the willpower to do things I want to do.
I want to take a hot bath, with only hot water.
I want bubbles.
I want to sink below the surface, and I want to open my eyes and see deep blue all around me, with hints of green and turquoise.
I want to be the girl in beautiful pictures, and I want to be the one to take the beautiful pictures of the fantastic girl in the beautiful pictures.
I want to have a beautiful soul.
I wonder what it would take for me to get there.
I wonder who I'll be when I'm old.
I wonder if I'll make it that far.
I really just don't want to be.
I don't want to die, I just want to never have existed.
I don't want to hurt anyone, especially him.
I want to hurt him though.
I just want to be fucking real.
I think I need to talk to someone, someone who knows.
Hate all these I's.
Nose is cold.
Want to feel what it's like.
Want to know.
So damn curious.
WANTWANTWANT.
God, I could fucking go on forever with things I want.
So damn selfish.
Pig.
Ugly.
Fat.
Fake.
Selfish.
Pig.
What the hell is wrong with me.

WHERE CAN I BUY THE PROANA BRACELET I'VE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE

hey guys.... so i was doing so well today. i went to the gym for the first time since my back pain and worked out with my trainer pretty hard. i did pretty well today initially i ate nuts and ice coffee and then went to the gym. then i had like half a really small piece of grilled chicken and broccoli. then i got home at 9pm and was famished so i had 5 pita chips, handful of peanut m & ms, and 2 truffles... UGH IM DISGUSTED. I THINK THAT WAS LIKE 800 CALS i wouldn't be mad if it was healthy food or if i ate before 6pm but it was 9pm and it was all sugar and i'm just really upset why do i keep doing this. i'm still stuck at 112 and i would be so much lower if i could cut out this sugar. i feel like i just eat like sugar and caffeine and protein here and there. i lost weight doing that and i'm not gaining weight now but it's so unhealthy and it'll catch up to me. i want to eat 800 cals of healthy stuff and not sugar. i'm trying here but just not hard enough. i cut myself some slack when people say how skinny i look. today i saw my friend and she hasnt seen me in a month and she asked me if i stopped eating because i look like a stick. it felt good but then i fucked up the good feeling by eating chocolate ughhhhhh. how are you all? i hope better than me. i want to be under 110 so bad and i need to get there. sorry for BEING A POST WHORE. LY ALL XOXOX

Today i fasted well!
But then came after school and i randomly ate a nature valley bar.
No one was forcing me. =\ ugh
so thats 180 calories.
and then i get home and no one forces me to eat dinner, and i am aware of this so i happily watch tv.
but its like my body controlled its own movements and next thing i knew i ate dinner!
probably 400 calories?
so its like 580 calories of food i wasn't forced to it!
so i'll round it up to 600... isn't that soo sad?
I really don't know what wrong with me.

Well tomorrow is my birthday, i really hope i can fast & that no one brings me in a cake or something.
just have to be in CONTROL. its my body, my decision
&& thankgod i'm hungry right now, i love the feeling of hunger when I'm in control.
it feels soo good && soooooooo much better than going to sleep satisfied or full.
(well i still have working out to look foward too (: )

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TODAY? better than me i hope (:

We just back from meet the team.
I had a medium iced nonfat latte with sugar free syrup. Not too sure how many calories that is but I googled it and it said 80 calories...what do you ladies think? If it's true, I highly recommend you try one. They're delish! && maybe that's why I finally have energy today lol.
I'm lookin forward to seein a smaller number on the scale tomorrow...finally. I really wanna fast but I have dance and I'm shopping tomorrow after school, so idkk.
Goin to bed though.
Night : )

dance was OK tonight, jogged my bedroom for a while and took a freezing bath to burn cals. Tues = 3oo cal day, going to the gym. super tired xx

fasted from this morning(woke at 9) to 7. Ate a nice dinner with about a cup and a half of okra, potato, some onion all cooked up nice with 2 small grilled chickenlegs(peeled teh skin off)and a good 30 oz of coffee through out the day with 4 full glasses of water.

anyways didnt do too bad today though i'm very light headed and if i stretch too much or get up too quick my head gets fuzzy and my face tingles.

small rant:
My mum had basicly the same dinner i had except for she had a recomended serving size of steak(which she considers half of one) and a chicken thigh with full skin and 2 cups of teh okra, potatoe, onion mix. she ate all of it. its 9:21 now she's on her third fudgesicle of teh night... and she wnders why she has to get her galbladder out. mom know what killed it? all the food you shove into your face. thats for eating bueno twice a week.


156.

just ate a bowl of raisin bran so i decided i had to run 2 hours outside...its freeeezing up north!!!!! but it was totally worth it . good luck ladiesss

So I've realized that a common diet tip DOES NOT work for me! You know how you read everywhere "allow yourself to have a little of what you crave or you'll end up binging"...

Yeah, that doesn't really work for me. I studied my normal pattern of eating, and realized that it's honestly better if I don't eat ANY solid food. That quote "If I eat one thing, I'll eat everything" really applies to me. If I have a peanut butter craving, most would advise to eat a handful of peanuts or allow just a little, so the craving doesn't get too bad. Well it SEVERELY fucks me over. I just eat EVERYTHING.

And it's not just this way with high-calorie "binge" foods. It's this way with "safe" foods too. Like, if I eat an apple, I just say 'fuck it' and eat everything. If I so much as nibble off a carrot, I figure the day's already screwed, so why stop eating there? Really, I can't let ANY solid food pass my lips until it ABSOLUTELY HAS TO or I just eat everything. Honestly, I think I have a very odd phobia. Like I'm literally terrified of food. I know that sounds common, but most people with eating disorders can eat at least 200 calories without much guilt. I can't eat ANY FORM of solid food. I can eat/drink low/no calorie liquids and that's IT. Until I'm forced into a situation where I have to eat, I just CAN'T. So I just don't eat anything.

I'm worried. It was never this bad before. I could at least eat 500 calories with little guilt. Now it's like if any little bit passes my lips...it's just FAIL for the day. It doesn't matter if it was just 20 calories of carrots...it's too much. Used to, I ate pretty much what I wanted as long as it stayed under the 500 calories a day guideline. Now if I eat, I will literally work it off three times over. Like if I eat 20 calories, I burn off 60...but even if I do that, it's still a FAILURE for the day, because I let food pass my lips...

...so I eat nothing.

just watched this movie called "disfigured" ... its about anorexia vs obesity... i googled it and theres a couple of sites where u can watch it ... its pretty interesting, weird, gross, inspiring all at the same time - i could also relate to the anorexic girl in it...think the trailer is on youtube...not yr usual kinda ed movie but i thort it was interesting and well worth watching ....

Back to 88 pounds :)
24 hours into my fast.
I wanna be 85 at least by Sunday, my uncle is coming down to see me. I'm kinda scared to see him, the last time he saw me I was 100 pounds. hmm...I wonder what he is going to say because he knows about my ED too. =/
I might eat tomorrow. Only because my schedule is busy and I can't lie and say I had dinner because my mom is going to be home all day.

How was everyones day? Hope it was lovely!!

( Recovery question. Helppp!! )

xoxo
Dexx.

Hello I'm Stephanie and I'm new.
This is the first community I've seen where everyone isn't judgmental about goals, so I'm pretty excited.

HW:130
CW:113
GW:105

Absolutely ANY advice is so welcome, will be posting thinspo:*

maybe we should do some progress pics?
just a thought, feel free to message me.